as of late i am falling more in love with the starlight... try to hold it in my hand, revele in the prismatic essence emmitted from it...

ok sorry loves i have no idea where that came from...just thought it and then wrote it....

here's what i've figured out lately... i am intimidating... i hate it... i guess all in all it is a great power to hold but to me this is not a good thing... i never want people to feel that i am unapproachable... i take real issue of this, it does not make me happy, it some what wounds me, but ya know she's a great veil to have... no one will ever know what hides behind her and so now i think maybe i'll keep her... maybe put some miracle grow on her... or no

i have also realized   the number of characters i play in daytoday... not all of them make me happy...some do but others stress me out, take up way too much of my energy...

which leads me to another point, if you ever happened to find someone who makes you feel more like your original self than anyone else could ever dream of, try to keep them close to you... it is a horrible thing to loose... trust me i know, and i mourn it.... relationships are funny things... i hate fear... i hate when people dont realize how wonderful they really are... fear = the root of all evil.... seriously

since the people beg, i must consent...

here's the dealio: i am currently working at a day care...i absolutely love the kids there (well not all of them...but most of them are completely adorable) and i'm working on Sound for the Exonerated...reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaly wish i had like one more week than i do to finish it bbecause im so tired from work and all this crap trying to get a hold of musicians  plus finding cues and building some auxillary ones and working oh and finding a rexcording space...and im kinda stressed out... grrrrr

but aside form that im just tryna  hold onto my sanity...today at work was great... truly love it... and the kids...esp. riley and abbi and mason and jake and zachie...uggg so cute! adorable... anyways i do miss my firends i dont get to see much of them these days...stupid work...ya know what? if youre readin gthis and youre one of these friends feel free to stop by anyday after like 6 nd we'll chill, cause i miss you guys... muah! i love you lovelies!

so blame it on my biochemical makeup, or whatever you feel so inclined to call it... but once again i find myself at a crossroads: wondering if should i take the chance or play cool my ace of hearts...

now, i am not one to shy away from taking risks, i believe that anything is worth the risk to try... you cant constantly be worrying if this hand that you've been dealt is gonna take you bankrupt... this is something i've had to learn the hard way... the greatest joys and loves we experience are worth the risk; so this whole game of cards by lamplight makes the night not so cold... 

but now i m wondering if i've already taken the chance and this is my just reward and i should just fold ... or maybe i havent truly investigated or tried to understand the potential of my current hand? im not really sure at this point... i just know that i have this card... and i dont know if this could be it for me... but i know it's something very special, i have faith that it can do great things but im sort of wondering what it wants... and yes the stakes are high, and this hand has been dealt before... 

and most of me wants to believe in the magic i once knew this card to hold over the table... but there's this small feeling that i have that somethings wrong...something i dont have any control over.... and im fine w/letting fate take over, i just need a summary of the game's reality, i know the stakes, and im willing to risk them but i just need to know if the cards are with me...too bad life lines arent allowed in this poker game of ours, huh, love?